I give up.

For the momet, I'm beat. Beat. Tough week. Damned tough.

My play had been holing up until today. But now, I can't pick up a premium pair without wondering what in the hell I should do with it. Mucking would've saved me money this week. The days of seeing pocket Kings being a welcome sight are passed for the moment.

Tough week. And I'll have to quit for the moment. The beats are getting to me. Undermining my ability to play well. I'm getting the fear when the turn comes. Any turn. And the river has me curled up in a foetal ball. And its affecting my play.

Perhaps the best lesson I can draw from this week is to quit before that happens. And retain the confidence I've carefully built up to use another day.

I've looked at the hand histories, checked out the odds I've been up against. Preflop, I've been consistently, hugely consistently, exactly where I want to be. In the showdowns I've seen, I've generally been either a firm favourite consistently, or on a draw where the odds have justified it. In short, I've generally being playing the type of game I've been learning to for the last several months. The game I've been able to grind out a profit in on a regular basis.

In short, insofar as I understand good play, I've been adhering quite well to it. I'm aware of my mistakes, and am still making them. I've been creating situations which are in my favour. Isolating raises preflop to hit heads up against a LAG. Checkraising to minimise odds where my hand necessitates it. Watching for the steal opportunity and taking it. Betting draws for value when I can. Playing aggressively on flops where I think I have the advantage. Playing to induce bluffs to make more profit.

Time to think out loud.

In three days play, my two pair - on the flop, turn or river have held up once. I've lost money on KK and QQ. Quite a bit. Cowboys cracked 4 times in one session - J6o catching a runner runner flush on the river with no pair, J6o again catching a runner runner straight on the river, with no pair, Q7o spiking a 7 on the river for two pair, and capping all the way, 55 making a straight on the river, capped betting. Running up against quad nines against my premium pair twice in one session, which, oddly, strike me as the most reasonable losing hands. I've been outkicked a bare handful of times in top pair situations, which I read as a good sign. I'm concistently domimnating LAGS headsup, and isolating them when I feel I need to. I've been minimising the odds for draws, and mixing up how I play my hands, with mixed results. IE my mixing up has occasionally meant weaker hands have called and caught up as they suspect a bluff. Quite a number actually.

There have, in addition, occasions when I've been outplayed. People have read the undermining of my play correctly, and I've been pushed off pots where I shouldn't have been- something I sat down to deal with today, and worked on during the week as well. People have seen me play weakly into pots and taken advantage, giving free cards I quite often would not when I'm on top of my game. Hence quitting until I can deal with it. I've run up against smart LAGs who've outplayed me, making me fold where I shouldn't, and call or bet when I'm beat. Situations like this have occured, but they have not been the dominant trend. And my current losing context has served to exacerbate the problem. That said, it still needs work - picked up Millers book this week to help me reorient in these situations.

Its one thing to play well when good play is rewarded. Its another to maintain that discipline when under consistent stress. Yet another weakness to address.

So a couple of days off, and a change of scene are required. And then back to the grind, to take advantage of the copiuos notes I've accrued in these savage few days.

The Gaming Room

Terrible. Terrible. Terrible.

I quit pokerroom.com - the site I started on, after about 3 months of mildly profitable play (x2.5 my inistial deposit, excluding a 27 dollar bonus spent on a book), and decided to chase bankroll building bonuses for a while. I checked out Scurvydogs online guide (recommended) for some ideas, and settled on the gaming room. You'll notice I haven't linked it.

The bonus structure is not bad. Quite good in comparison to most sites I've scanned. Up to 300 on a 20 dollar initial deposit, with a mximum amount earnable per limit. Wanna earn more...move up a limit. Above 1/2, theres no need to move up.

I'm sticking with 50/1 limit for the moment. Players are considerably tighter than pokerroom. Average players per flop run at around 35%, but play seems to loosen up slightly as evening comes on. The biggest pot I've seen in about 15 hours of play is 13.40. As a result, table texture is an intereesting mix of the amazingly tight - preflop raising is quite often rare - and aggressive, fairly fearless players who are happy to three bet bluff, and seem to come out ahead. Smart loose aggressives. The idiot to intelligent player ratio is comparatively low, thusfar. The games are tougher than the pokerroom norm, for instance, at this level.

Bluffing is quite often intelligent, with a willingness to let go, and well constructed in terms of reads and flop and turn texture. I've seen a lot of isolating reraises against the few non smart loose aggressives. You can tell I'm having problems with it. Chasing is considerably less of a problem, which is a pity, and I'm having to up my average game standard to break even. Which is not a bad thing. I'm playing unexcitedly ubertight, and selecting my bluffs carefully. Which is not working out, but I am getting my money in with the best of it. I'm happy enough with my play, and I'm pretty sure its the correct strategy.

Software wise, the site has some problems. Hand histories are stored on your hard drive, and available in .txt format only, and on request on a time as opposed to hand number basis. The lobby is badly organised, and infrequently updated. I've clocked at least a seven minute delay between updates on aregular basis. Table stats are displayed, but I'm guessing they are inaccurate also, re players per flop, and average pot size . It certainly seems that way when I check my own table stats against what I see at the table.

Session stats are not provided, but you can reset your statistical history (covering all sessions played) on a session by session basis. Showdowns display for about two seconds. Additionally, the dialog box scrolling at the right of the screen is useful for about 90 seconds. After that, it displays an unbroken slot of white space with the single last table action at ther top. The text scrolls up. Resetting it will buy another 90 seconds. Annoying.

All this adds up to a dearth of information while the game is in progress. And information is money. And for no good reason, I don't have enough of the stuff to play optimally. A frustrating experience, considering how hard I've worked at developing observation as part of my game.

All in all, the software is singularly annoying. And for no good reason.

So I reckon I'll finish up my bonus - I've no idea how far into I am, theres no way to check - and quit the site. Because of the software. Because the software is terrible. Because I have no interest in paying rake to play on a site which undermines my ability. Because I don't want to spend my Saturday morning bellowing obscenities at a cathode ray tube while trying to work out who won the last hand, and with what. Its far from an enjoyable experience.

Customer support takes a little time. I've had three dealings with them. Average 8 hour turnaround per enquiry. Too busy not working on their software to talk to me, I guess.

Because Belle Rock Gaming are lazy, lazy people.

Next stop, Paradise, I think.

17th July, 2005

I've spent my first 3 months playing at pokerroom.com, and its time for a change of scene. Time to concentrate on building a bankroll. Let the bonus hunt commence. Just call me Ahab.

I guess its time for a quarterly review.

From an initial deposit of $127, I'm current at $300. Its not a wild profit, Its not a tearaway success. Its a hell of a lot of work for very little money. But thats fine. The profit is largely bonus free, which is how I wanted it. I've been more centred on education and experience than bankroll building up to now, and quitting the bonus trail gives me an uncluttered and honest perspective on how I'm doing. Its also an incentive to learn. I've done ok. I could do a hell of a lot better.

It has been educational. The losing streaks, the balls out raging tilt, the bad plays, bad habits, bad mindsets. Limiting up, and crawling back down again. Each one an almost inevitable, and valuable experience.

I've read books, forums, online articles. I've thought I understood them. I've lost, and I've read em again. And again. I've bored several of my friends with poker talk, strategy, odds, rehashed hands played both badly and well.

So what am I doing well, and what am I doing badly?

Hand selection: still needs tweaking, but I'm much happier than I had been. I still need to peractice, think about, and read about mixing up my hands in certain situations. Specifically, hand selection in playing against LAGs. When to reraise to isolate. My current thinking is too unsubtle. Tight in early, looser selection in late when the opportunity to reraise to isolate presents itself. When the opportunity isn't present, reraise only with premium hands preflop. At the moment, I'm finding smart loose aggressives are dictating too much of my play to me. A subtler understanding of the texture of the table is required. I need to pay more attention to my position relative to the action, and let that factor more into my decisions. I can reraise the LAG in late with AJo and be happy I probably have the best hand. But if the Rock of Gibraltar UTG has called, the texture of the hand is different.

Aggression: I've done a hell of a lot of work on this of late, and yielded some good results. Developing the aggressive side of my play has helped my hourly rate overall. Bluntly put, when I properly apply it, it contibutes significantly to my hourly rate. I'm more aggressive with pocket pairs. I'm less agressive in certain situations with AK, AK, AJ, KQ. When applied improperly, its disastorous. Its a good addition to my play. I'm more aggressive in certain situations with drawing hands, re valuebetting, or semibluffing. I'm less aggressive on the river, and more on the flop. Again, I'm having some problems in this regard recently with LAGs. Both varieties. Again with the need for subtlety.

Observation: Another area I identified that I wanted to work on. I think of observation, aggression and hand selection as essential to one another. I don't use pokertracker (though I will pick it up for record keeping, hand history and personal play trend analysis) or gametime to watch whats happening at the table. Its my preference not to. And I have had a hard time developing the patience to sit tight and watch whats happening for the next 40 minutes of folding. But I've worked on it, developed it, and the skills and patience I have gained have helped feed into the advantages I'm gaining from working on other parts of my game.

My jump to The Gaming Room has presented me with a variety of new challenges. Play is noticeably tougher than I'm used to. The LAGS are smarter and willing to lay down. The rocks are tighter. Its tougher to find and exploit the weaker play I've become used to. Pots are smaller, showdowns are rarer, and in general, players seem to be more observant. Its an interesting challenge, and one I'll have to master to move on. My game is at the stage where my best game can beat the tables I'm playing at. So time to knuckle down and beat it then. I'm down 50 dollars so far for 20 hours. Some mistakes. Some bad laydowns, and some bad bets. And some bad beats. But even still, I'm playing well enough to come out ahead. Just. If I bring my A game.

So time to hit the books and brush up on my game. Time to work on heads up aggression, player targeted strategy, and the best course of action against loose aggressive players.

Oh My indeed....

"Most of the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time.
Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely
concerned with the movements of small, green pieces of paper, which is odd,
because on the whole, it wasn't the small, green pieces of paper which were
unhappy. "

The clawback dull as death grind from the desparate edge of bankroll busting horror continues.

Frankly, being profitably bored makes a pleasant change from being scalp crawlingly, teeth shatteringly, monitor throwingly(its a word....its a word...) terrified, but broke. And with that sentence, I say goodbye to my youth forever.

For there was a time when I was a fan of fear and terror. When I gobbled it down in fistfuls, and stomped upon the earth. When youth meant the measure of myself was the measure of what I could contain. Be that beer, vodka, whiskey terror, rage, laughter or ideas. When the abyss and I were on friendly terms, and were happy to gaze into one another for hours at a time. There were rumours. There were scandals. There were awkward social situations. There were partners who just didn't understand.

But the abyss and I were never more than just good friends.

These days I tend not to contain too many things. I've found you can catch all sorts of infections if you try too much. I'm measued in intangibles - money I never see, paid for work that doesn't actually make anything, for people who don't really want it anyway. They say you can't take it with you when you're dead. The 20th century seems to have updated this idea. I'm having a damned hard job of it trying to get my hands on any of it while I'm actually alive. I play poker against people who aren't actually there. Even the chips I use, which are supposed to represent money which isn't there, arent there. They're representations of chips. They're not even real simulacra. They're fake fakes.

I studied philosophy in college. And for that reason, that sentence really screws with my head. Puts me in mind of the day I saw an add saying "genuine fake Mexican furniture for sale". And they meant it. Quite a lot of the world stopped making sense right then.

Its becoming increasing difficult to believe, in the modern world, that anything outside of reality television, media trials, Medieval Total War and grapefruit are actually real.

Which makes me wonder why I get so wrapped up in losing money online when it happens. And why I have such a feeling of wellbeing when I don't. Money Money Money Money.

Money. Fiduciary or Fiat Issue. Literally "Faith Issue". The magic of money. Its worth is a function of the community of belief. Now thats the power of positive thinking for you. Theres a very real sense in which it deosn't exist, unless we all really really want it to. Some countries wanted to believe in it so much that the penalty was death for refusing to accept it in trade. Ir represnents something which isn't actually thre. It represemts our willingsness to believe in it.

Money has never meant that much to me, which is an odd statement for a poker player to make, I guess. Its a thing worth mentioning only in its absence, and not important enough to talk about for its own merit.

So why do I get so wrapped up in it?

For this reason, and its a wrong one.

Money is a problem to be solved. And like most of us, I exist in a community of belief that binds us together in some sort of reasonably workable civilised manner. And wrapped up in the social contract is an acceptance of several common currencies, the common currency of politeness, beahviou, conduct an manners. The currency of morals. of toleration, and the balance with freedom. The currency of charity, where we accept we are linked by a common bond within which we exercise our responsibilities to one another. And the currency of finance. All composite parts of the project of civilisation that frames our lives.

But with money, its so easy for the means of life to become an end. To measure ones worth with it in any meaningful sense is a self defeating exercise. It lacks the language. It lacks the words. Its vocabulary is too slim a thing to contain anything but its simple self, and to measure oneself by it is to lose too much in translation.

And these are good thoughts to remember when the cards run cold.

For any who are interested, podcastalley have a loist of 13 poker podcasts up, available here.

I'm already a fan of Stacks and Cincinatti Sean on Card Club, (archives available here), and Phil Gordon has put up some fine podcasts giving a pros view from the inside out of this years WSOP.

The rough plan is to run through some samples of the rest, and throw together a rough review of the thirteen listed. Categories for judgement - I'm thinking, sound quality, expertise, uniqueness, guest spots, and shill factor. Any suggestions, feel free to post.

In poker news, I've just hit the tail end of a two week vicious beating. Pokerroom.com was Pol Pot. I was Cambodia. 230 dollars in ten days, at 50/1 and 1/2 Limit. Horrible, terrible, and I still bear the scars.

I wake up shivering, at night, in a cold sweat thinking about holding Hiltons in the big blind. It gives me the Fear. The Fear I tell you.

And I have far better things to be dreaming about.

It took a lot longer for my discipline to nosedive this time around, and my standard of play - which is good enough to sit down at the 2/4 tables at pokerroom and come out ahead - held up for the main part.

I'm crawling back up the rungs again, getting together enough money to take another (underfunded) shot at 2/4, and thinking about the lessons the last two weeks have taught me...

- If I'm as good as I think I am, the money I've lost is just on loan. Stay focused, and disciplined, and the tables will turn. By playing my normal tight, and attentive game, I've clawed back 130 of my losses in ten hours and 50/1.

- If I'm as good as I think I am, I've got a whole lot left to learn. The major factor in me feeling good about the last two weeks is using the lessons the table is teaching me to pick apart my game, most particularly with how I deal with loose hyper aggressive players. Tied in to this is how I play an umimproved AK/AQ with no draw after the flop, and how I play pocket pairs with overcards on the board. I'm less aggressive in most situations with AK/AQ, and more so with pocket pairs.

- I've dropped AJ as a raising hand up front, a long overdue move on my part. In late I'll raise in an unraised pot, or in middle I might (rarely) raise if I think its likely to thin out most of the field behind me. Specifically, if the table is tending to fold to my raises on a regular basis, I'll have a greater tendency to raise with it. AJ is a hand I want to have position with, ideally on a table where a late post flop bet will make people fold umimproved, or with low/medium pairs on the flop. Unless its suited, I want to take the pot at the flop or before, and I tend towards the idea of it as a stealing hand. I still play it up front on occasion, as I think, unraised, I can drop it easily, or play it hard without tipping my hand too much when it hits. Its a useful early hand to play with, as a raise in late on the tables I frequent quite often means A10, A9, KQ, KJ, pocket pairs down to 77. I've also increased the amount that I call with or fold A10 in late. A10 is a hand I still have some tuning to do on.

- I'm betting less on the river than I had been. That, and my changes in play on AK-J have made what would be two minor losing sessions into minor winning sessions. Again, its a matter of discipline. I'm losing a lot less money when I am beat, and still not leaving that much money on the table when I win. Its a simple principle. But hell. Arrogance is the enemy of a thorough education.

Hence, in ten hours play, 130 dollars profit.

Now that I look back at the changes in my play over the last two weeks, they seem quite significant. Without them, I was still able to put in an overall positive hourly rate - even with the 230 nosedive - for the total time on the limits involved. And most of the money I lost, was in situations where I had the best of it before the river.

But I guess the benefits of idiotproofing my game against myself are plain enough to see.

Ask not for whom the bell tolls

It tolls for thee.

There are times when the moment calls, times and places when we can only answer what is asked of us, or we can fail . We can refuse to answer, and dwell in silence, and watch, and wait, and become unredeemed.

When they happen, they are unique. They are places of definition. They are momenents we use to make ourselves. The decision is the forging place, the crucible, where we are made or where we are undone. Where we are condemned or justified.

And some silences are unredeemable.

I answered the call, and in that moment knew myself for who I was, and knew it to be good, and watched while others stood silent. There is only to answer, or to fail the test. In and that failing they condemned one of their number, named amongst their friends. There is nothing so dangerous as the weakness of men. The tragedy of cowardice is that its failure is to the cost of better men. The justice? Those characterised by its failure are condemned to be defined by it, for simple want of truth and courage.

The common currency of true friendship is the courage to bear its cost when the call comes. To ask not for whom the bell tolls, but to act, and to understand that in that moment, one must do what is right, one must be counted upon without excuse, that one must stand in the world as onself, and live with what that means.

Squat to do with poker. But hell.

Congrats to Pauly, Spaceman and Felicia. Not that it means a hell of a lot from a complete stranger like me, but hell, you didn't ask for whom the bell tolled.

Oh I'm just a regular Joe

I play the Asshole song to stop me going on tilt at tables.

And I say to myself.

"K6. He drives really slow in the ultrafast lane. A2? He walks around in the summertime saying 'how about this heat?' That scumsucking no kicker sonofabitch. That hardword floor loving, cheap cigar smoking, porno watching warloving sonofabitch is an asshole."

Looking back on what I've just written, the idea that it helps me keep calm may seem questionable. But hell, thats pretty much my standard internal monologue. Thats pretty much my standard calm.

But I got to thinking. Ive posted about ego, and gambling, in my novitiate and yet still pompous manner. But I'm kinda taking the idea to the mat at the moment.

I'm a fan of ego. I like it for the same reasons I think churches are the poison of pleasure, for the same reason that life is short, and art is long. Ego is Al Pacinos Satan in the Devils Advocate "I've nurtured every sensation man's been inspired to have....I'm a fan of man. I'm a humanist."

Ego is what man stamps his mark upon the world with. When there is no truth, no god, when it comes down to the picked clean bare bones of living, ego is that which burns our mark upon the world. Ego burns the fabric of our time more brightly.

Ego. The positive side. A healthy ego is a solid sense of ourselves. The Greeks knew what they were talking about - "Know thyself. From this, all else follows". Its self referential, it comes from self knowledge, and it relies on little else apart from an achieved sense of balance to maintain itself.

Ego is the also Devil on my shoulder. Or so I like to think. But sometimes that devil is nothing so metaphorical. Sometimes that Devil on my shoulder is nothing more than the moron in my head staring out back at the world. And its got nothing to do with a sense of myself. Its got to do with how I'm perceived.

In general, in life, I've developed a healthy attitude to how I'm perceived. I frankly, generally, don't give a fuck what most people think of me. And its not a hostile act. Its indifference. I'm excusing family and friends from this, as, with all people, they form a dynamic and meaningful relationship with our sense of ourselves as we pass through life. Theyve earned my respect, n have come to know me, and be known in turn.

But with regard to anyone else, my respect for their opinion in general has to be earned. And its a tremendous relief to realise that I don't have to pay attention to what the vast bulk of people think.

Results orientated poker. Its something that, even with my relative newbie ignorance of perfect play, I strive to achieve. It has several dividends. Or would, if I could achieve it. I'm still having problems with tilt. And tilt, in both furious and milder forms is, for me, a function of ego. As is results oriented poker. To put it bluntly, my insecure sense of my poker playing self causes me to wrap myself in ideas, practices, and emotions, that have nothing to do with whats actually happening at the table. Reasons that are not supposed to have anything to do with it, in my finely though out, self balanced, Greek philosophised, bad movie quoting answer to life.

And thats the nub of it. I develop personal grudges against complete strangers, as represented by impersonal avatars, on a cathode ray tube in my living room. Its just like what used to happen whenever I watched Seinfeld. An inexplicable and uncontrollable rage, that overides my judgement, my sense of self. My ability to fundamentally not give a fuck about the small stuff. The blips. The random nature of life, and human experience.

Except I found out where Seinfeld lived. And I've yet to track down that chowderhead who cracked my Aces this evening with J6 off.

Ego. A sense of oneself. The security to react with indifference to things that do not fundamentally matter.

In life, its the ability to face other people, and maintain a sense of oneslf in the face of however they might choose to see you. In poker, its the ability to maintain a sense of ones ability in the face of the random nature of probability. Variance is a bitch. But so what. Probability is still top dog.

As always, my thoughts need more development and editing. But hell. I'm behind schedule on this posting gig. So I'll leave it here for the moment, with more to say when I've thought it through.

Thanks for listening.

In which our hero moralises some more

'You are all healthy people,' Dostoevsky once said in a conversation, 'but you have no idea what joy that joy is which we epileptics experience the second before a seizure... I do not know whether this joy lasts for seconds or hours or months, but believe me, I would not exchange it for all the delights of this world”

Dostoevsky was also a compulsive, obsessive, degenerate and addicted gambler. Ultimately, I think we can say that he was hooked on catharsis, on the moments of the crucible, of the cusp, of the extremes of experience. On revelation.

Unfortunately for Dostoevsky, and for catharsis junkies everywhere, the crucible forges meaning from crisis. Put bluntly, choose carefully the context in which you choose to change your life. Because the context, unwisely chosen, will kick back.

A common thread in catharsis junkies is control. Shrinking the world down to a smaller set of circumstances which are easier to understand and control. Theres another impulse at work though, and that’s pushing these conditions to a critical mass and trying to work through what happens to the other end. Dostoevsky was a roulette fiend. The context he chose was chance. Impersonal, apolitical, non religious chance. “If god did not exist, everything would be permissible”. Sounds like a roulettes players mumbled prayer, as the ball rattles around the spinning wheel.

"please god don't exist, please god don't exist, please god don't exist...."

He describes gambling in similar tones to his epilepsy, like waiting on the brink of something, standing at a dizzying precipice. And it is this feeling, this singular point, this uncertainty, expectation, freedom, this suspension which hooks him. I wonder if it lasted seconds for him. Or months.

He wrote the gambler in 27 days to pay off his debts. Later, he notoriously made a wager with his publisher, betting the rights to all his previous works that he could finish and present a novel in one month. And he spent most of his life broke, debt ridden, and hounded by creditors.

Catharsis junkies. Action junkies. Losers in love with misery. They all share the same thing in common. It is not the result. It’s the process. Its not the winning. Its not the losing. Its that epileptic moment that hangs in the air, when anything is true, when god is dead, and the rules are suspended, and any possible outcome is possible. The world is reduced to a smaller set of rules, to a shadow theatre of itself, and in the crucible of the game, the player wages part of his identity in the throw of the dice. The game is not about the money, about winning or losing. Its not about action, or beating the house. War’ll give you all the action you can handle. So will holding up an off licence. And you’ve a better chance of beating the house. Its not about walking away with double your money. If it were, why choose a ganme where the odds are stacked against you. Why choose to lose from the outset when the odds are inescapably rigged. Junkies in gambling don’t play to win. And a win, when it comes, just buys more single, solitary, dizzying moments when everything is in the air and anything seems possible.

If the aim was to win, any addict could quit while they were ahead. And they wouldn’t begin anyway.

God, so to speak, isn’t dead in that moment. Its like the seconds before a car crash, when time seems to stretch out and become elastic, motion moves more slowly, and the world is waiting to kick back in. Physics kicks back in with a bang, no matter how infinite the space between seconds seems. Bones break, bonnets crumple and glass shatters just like physice said it would. Probability. Its just a matter of time. Anything else is just the lie any addict tells themselves to fill in the uncomfortable, nervous silences between fixes.

And even the catharsis, the crisis, they may claim to be in love with, is nothing like the real world deal. Gambling provides for many people, a smaller, easier to understand version of the real world they are living in. The rules are simple. Decisions are unclouded, unmurky, and rest entirely with the individual. The power, insofar as there is power, rests entirely with oneself. The ability to risk, and to carry through that decision, can give many people a responsibility missing from the rest of their lives. No boss. No legal restraint. Its entirely out of ones hands if it is a successful venture ir not. Theres no hard work required. The odds are the price willing punters are willing to pay to make their world more simple than it really is.

And I think this is the kernel of the ego and gambling. It’s the kernel of the ego and many things. I lost? Its not my fault. I was unlucky. Lady Luck didn’t smile. Bullshit. You lost because the second you put down your money, you chose to. You lost, because you’re asking the wrong question. You lost, because you’re looking for the wrong answer. You lost because you wanted to lose. Because its easier losing than working out why you’re in love with it. You lost, because you wanted probability to tell the world something about yourself that nothing else in the world you can control will say. You lost, because you’re unhappy, and in that cathartic moment, that moment of suspension, that time when none of the rules which you think keep you hemmed in seem to apply, you don’t feel unhappy.

You lost because you want your head fix. You lost, because, no matter what you tell yourself, the winning or the losing doesn’t matter. You lost because you’re a junkie, my friend. Most of the gambling addicts that I know are alcoholics. Some have problems with habitual violence in their lives. Most have at least one oter addiction, and they talk about it, lie about it, and live through it in exacly the same way as their gambling. With alcohol, though, the moment is more obvious. Caught, like a rat in a trap. That single moments of silene? Thats the sound of the hammer coming down, my friend.

Now lets sit down and play some poker.

Thanks for listening.

Murderously terrifying two days at the tables.

Murderously. Down about 80 dollars at 1/2 Limit.

And I'm largely playing well. Normally a dip of that magnitude - in my 400 dollar roll - is enough to send me screaming back to the books. I'l still hit the books, though the two large mistakes I made, I'm aware of - they both involved pocket pairs, QQ and KK - mine, against A anything or a lower pair - were relatively minor mistakes. Preflop raise (reraising and early preflop raiser in both cases), and agressive play after the flop. The mistake was, in both cases, maintaining the agression after the flop, onto the river.

Still, the yoyo effect of bouncing between terrorised fear and thunderous rage is considerably lessened these days. I'm more confident with betting into the table with Top pair Top kicker, even on the days when that seems to be a losing proposition. I'm also getting more aggressive pre and postflop again, with a greater tendency to either fold or raise/reraise. I've cut calling with connectors down to calling with suited connectors, and my preflop fold stats are in the 75 - 85 per cent range. The average for the tables I play hovers around 60-65.

So looking at the last few days play, what types of situations have cost me the most?

Betting a premium pocket pair, preraised, against callers who I read as loose/passive, or loose aggressive. In both cases, I bet too far into the board, and calling down, or even folding at the river or turn (against the passive player), would have been the smart play. One mistake was in no limit, and I put the guy on a bluff and reraised. He was worried I had trip aces against his A5 two pair. I though about an overcard - the Ace, but mistakenly didn't figure him for an A anything hand - qq or jj seemed much more likely. First mistake - when the hell does a passive player bluff? Second mistake, if he keeps raising, he's caught a hand that will beat overcards. Third mistake - his pause before betting was not because he was on a bluff. Its because he was passive, and didn't have the nuts.

Second hand was KK against a pair of twos, which cold called three bets preflop. Board came queen high, and as a loose agressive, he raised and reraised on the flop. My mistake was in capping on the turn, as he would have bet out almost anything on the flop, including a flopped low or mid pair, but would've just called with a paired q hand on the turn, and hoped to catch his kicker. (I called this guy down for a decent sized pot later with nothing more than an Ace High, because this time, I payed attention to what his bets were telling me - one raise and a call on the flop, and a call on the turn, and I could put him on nothing, with AK in my own hand.)

In both cases, my play until the flop was correct, including aggressive betting. I played out a bunch of other hands the same way, or, on unthreatening boards waited until the turn to put in my raise - something which, when the fear gripped me, I could never do with TPTK.

Overall my play was pretty good. I caught some nice reads on playing styles and betting patterns, meaning I could pick up some pots I would never have caught otherwise - the Ace high mentioned above is one, reraising with my pocket Jacks on a q high board was another. And I generally played with patience, collecting notes on the worst players, marking down who's willing to call preflop raises with what, and storing them away for another day when I can sit down and take my money back.

All in all, calling stations, and Limit LAGs picked off most of my profits and sucked me under. K9, J6, calling stations playing sets without a raise at any stage. Not even when one memorably caught a Full House on the river against my K high flush. Middle pairs with bad kickers pairing on the river.

Apologies for the self obsessed post this time around. Next time I'll obsess about something external.

Tired. Grumpy. I wanna go home.

Not much to say today.

Working far too much to spend enough time playing.

I picked up Harrington on Hold Em this morning, on the jumbled rush in to work. Its already got Lasagne sauce on it. Or the burned, incinerated remains of "what our work kitchen diabolically refer to as Lasagne" sauce stains on it.

An infinite number of monkeys with an infinite number of spatulas could all put in a solid weeks work trying to perfect this from of culinary warfare, and not even one of them could manage to accidentally aspire to these depths.

Down 7 dollars on my short table time last night, and busted out of a 200 seater tournament in the bottom quarter.

I should've learned by now not to play when I'm so tired. It was interesting, however to watch on the occasions when I was outplayed - people betting and raising their draws into me on the flop to catch free cards, which I gave them. It was even more interesting to watch when other players tried to copy them, without understanding the basic concept, trying it from early on the flop, or check raising busted draws on the river. I played weak tight, but not that weak tight.

I just learned that pokertracker can mine stats from Pokerrooms site, so as soon as my bank arrangements are sorted out, I'll be moving my play from there. The same reason why I'm going to avoid Party Poker and UltimateBet. When I sit down to play at a table, I like to play against the skills of the players I pit myself against, and not their ability to pay 20 bucks to have a piece iof software do their thinking for them. I don't like it when sites conspire with lazy players to screw me on the deal.

I've got a longer general rant saved as a draught, which it will take me a while to work up the bile and spleen to wrap up righteously, but in a nutshell, thats my problem with pokertracker. Its a fine tool for analysing ones own play, and its a vicious and weak skinned cop out for reading the play of others. And I look forward to the day when all the multitabling, observationally underdeveloped, pokertracker junkies have the crutches kicked out from underneath them, and have to face up to the brutal reality of playing at a table of people who depend on themselves to classify the competition, and have bothered to develop the skills required to do so.

Moneys just a way of keeping score. One should enjoy what one does, and take pride in your ability to do it.

But until that day comes, I refuse to play at any site that supports pokertrackers datamining abilities. Contrary to what the terminally incompetent miner reliant player may think, poker does have ethics. And those ethics don't warp around your desire to make as much money as possible with as little skill as necessary.

How bizarre

Brief session on the tables last night - I hit up a 1/2 limit ring game for 20bb in 40 minutes. A cool run of cards, and then two pair from pocket q 10, spiking the 10 on the river to beat out a slowplayed top pair top kicker AQ. He took the suckout well. My best short session result in quite a while. And an interesting experiment, overall, in aggressive play.

I wound up slightly ahead of that after another 30 minutes of cold cards. A strange table, yoyoing from ultra tight to near family flops in the space of a few hands.

Play of the session, putting the bb LAG on A low when he raised preflop with one other player in the hand - me, and reraising with A6o to knock out the rest of the field and hit the flop heads up. The call could have gone all sorts of wrong, but his call of my reraise on an A Q 9 rainbow flop made me think I was right. He held A5, and failed to pair his kicker, and called to the river. 6 on the turn. Nice. A lot of bets to lay out to find out about a hunch though. The key....observation. He slowplayed premium hands shorthanded, and fastplayed a anything always.

But I've still got a lot to learn about the discriminate application of aggression.

Speaking of which, I read HDoubles post on beating low stakes no limit hold'em, and the profit prospects seem a lot more interesting than low stakes Limit. That said, I need to improve my Limit play before I can graduate to the heady heights of 100 dollar buy in big bet poker.

Sarcasm is entirely at my own expense.

Specifically. Pay attention. Observation, of betting patterns, showdowns, and position play (specifically how people ignore it). Tiltability. All these things conspire to make me money. Ignoring them is at best impolite. Not paying attention has cost me heavily, in both winning and losing sessions.

I have been getting better with laying down sucked out losing hands, and slightly better at betting back into semi/total bluffs. But it still needs a hell of a lot of work. Theres no need to rub in a losing hand by paying to see what beat me on the river every time. Observation is key here. Sometimes the congenital bluffers and the river rat kings are the same people. And sometimes they are not. And the difference in laying down a hand, or raising against the bluff is as simple as watching whats been going on for the last 20 minutes.

If I'm stating the obvious here, be assured, its entirely for my own benefit.

Tournaments and tilt

I caught my second multi table tournament success this evening. 7th out of 230 in a 5 dollar NL game.

I've played three since reading Cloutier and McEvoys Campionship No Limit and Pot Limit Book. And when I say reading, I mean reading rereading, photocopying, underlining, highlighting and then copying out.

I have no life.

But the last three tournaments have given me the best results of my limited tournament experience - two final tables (6th out of 130, 7th out of 230), and a top 40 finish in a 200 field. Where I didn't listen to the book. KJ is not a hand to go to bat with from early.

Of course, I sat down at a 1/2 limit table with my new found arrogance, and it casually spent my hard earned money from me, with a cheeseeating grin that the whole table could read as money. Chasing a flush on a double paired board? What. Thats beyond arrogance. Thats penetrated right through ignorance, and barely even stopped at stupidity, and finally ground to a halt at some perversely inspired polar opposite of divine genius.

One or two beats at the table, which my arrogance determined would cost me more than they should..."no one at this table could possibly play well enough to crack my pair of queens, all shall bow before them, and know me for the player that I am." 6 9 offsuit, if I remember correctly. Top pair top kicker from my early raised AK going down in flames to the small blinds 10 7 o. How could he not believe a player as obviously good as me couldn't beat his flopped full house.

The beats are not the problem. Its pursuing them with perseverence that is. Hell. Call me Ahab.

Still, a pleasing day over all. I finished up for the day, my earlier solid play at the ring games having paid my tournament fee - which was refunded as a final table perk - and made enough on top to soak up the loss of most of my tournament win.

But more importantly, lesson learned. Theres no such thing as deserves to win.

That and my pre flop fold stats are closer to where I'd like them to be, and despite the problems, what intelligent application of aggression I made at the limit tables paid off. I'm beginning to make an impression on the tighter 1/2 tables - posted 3 out of 4 winning sessions at tables that would've murdered me last week.

Sudden illumination from within

Well, maybe not illumination.

What counts as read for a more experienced and better player hits this newbie like a blinding revelation.

I had a bad run of a couple of days. In fact, I'm still having it. And I took the opportunity to analyse my play. How much of this is my fault, my problem. How can I minimise the effect of whats not. Crisis affords few opportunities, I guess, but one of those is the opportunity for catharsis.

And amonst the many issues which I still don't have the expertise to resolve, I began to understand the general structure of my play, and the type of game I'm trying, at the moment, to develop for the ring games I'm playing in.

The structure seems simple, and I think thats a plus for someone early on the learning curve like me. And its that I'm trying to create a style of play that provides me with easy decisions in uncertain situations, and ideally places me in situations where I tend to make complex or difficult decisions where I have enough information to play them well.

Specifically, playing premium hands, or drawing hands with regard to position. Folding pre or on the flop on a regular basis, and keeping a watch on showdowns and hand histories to work back and find a picture of who it is I'm playing against.

As I said, the obvious is, to the uninitiated, often stunning.

But the key here is observation. Betting patterns, hand histories, opponents hand selection, and watching the ebb and flow of aggression at the table.

The next level of this, is to create situations of uncertainty for your opponents, forcing them into situations with regard to you where they are faced with complex decisions themselves, and they may not have the correct or sufficient information to make the right move.

And I guess my main weapons in creating these are creating a particular table image, ideally including a couple of showdowns, and watching how the dynamics of the table reshape themselves around what I'm communicating. And when the dynamic changes enough, there seems to come a moment when opportunity crystallises, when you can use what your opponent thinks they know about you to hit them up. If your image is tight, the table dynamic will tell you when you can hit the table with a vicious all out bluff. If its loose, when you can fast play hands that you would have check raised with previously.

Its only since I stepped up to 1/2 limit tables that this later point has come into play.

And the general structure of my play? Well, it helps me avoid hands where I don't have enough information to confidently make the right decisions. I hit any new table with a tight agenda, betting and check raising with premium hands, folding often on the flop, and slow playing monsters until the turn. Any premium pocket pairs or premium paint cards I'll play straightforwardly, raising or reraising preflop. No bluffing for the first thirty minutes, or until I've shown down some winners - whicever comes later.

The idea here is severalfold. Hand selection is of prime importance in profitablitity. And in the arly stages of a ring game theres the added advantage that players may read frequent pre flop/flop folding as weak, and try to come over the top of your made hands when they hit. It also sends out the massage that if I see the river, I've probably got you beat.

Check raising has several functions, but with regard to table image it says, I fold a lot, but I'm not weak. If you're gonna bet against me, you're gonna have to think hard about whether your hand can stand a reraise. My check does not always mean a fold.

No bluffing tells the table that you mean what you say. A bet means I have a good hand. A check raise means I have a hand. Slowplaying until fourth means I've probably got you beat.

And if you want to win, your kicker better be good, your flush probably needs to be high, and the ignorant end of the straight is not a good place to be. If your pair isn't the top on the flop, you better quit if I bet.

And then the dynamic changes. In severe scenarios, people who would normally see many hands begin folding to my big blind, or bet on the end. Some players avoid a hand if I'm already in. My reraises preflop thin the field to near nothing, and I'm winning limit hands without a showdown. And I've been watching, reading hand histories, and taking notes.

And the table, or certain players, are ripe for a changeup. I can avoid tight aggressive players, and know they'll probably avoid me. I can bluff, and have a formerly loose limit table fold to my raise. I can raise or reraise the flop and have my draws see the river for free. And in those complex situations, holding pocket queens on a king high board, flopping an ace on a rainbow board, with A little suited in late, weaker opponents will tend to put me on the better hand that my bets tell them I might have. I've made then have to think about whether their hand can hold up against the type of player they think I am. I've given then the difficult situation to deal with, and what was a straightforward decision now becomes a lot more tricky.

In short I'm in heaven.

At the moment, though, I'm in hell.

The novice speaks

Bill Rini has had a stack of excellent posts recently.

He's got an interesting post about signup and retention bonuses, and the pros and cons in terms of profitability from the poker site perspective.

As a newbie, I view bonuses as a crutch. They provide a useful way to cover the cost of experimentation, levelling up, and in general catching enough of the learning curve until I can hold my own. Which I'm doing. Bonuses cover the cost of my incompetence. They're also a handy bankroll builder for the lower limit player.

As it stands, this type of bonus structure has several advantages. As a new player it mans I'm playing with a more limited liability. And that sense of security, whether it be ultimately real or imagined, is enough to keep a lot of new players still donating to the games, who would not do so if they had to face the risk unsupported.

The new player benefits, specifically, the new player who is willing to learn, benefits. The experienced player whose income comes, significantly, I suspect, from capitalising on their greater skill and knowledge, benefits from a site supported supply of limited risk learners paying for the priviege of experience.

And the site benefits from a customer retention and recruitment perspective. You can offer all the 20 dollar bonuses you want to someone with a 10'000 roll, but what really keeps them playing at your site, I think, is a stable supply of games that they can beat. The smart move for the skilled and bankrolled player, I think, is to trade off on bonus whoring and concentrate on hitting up the right games for an hourly rate. That said, my long term plans are aimed at getting me into a position where bonuses are almost completely irrelevant. A 90 dollar bonus for sitting on your site for a month is a pleasant gesture. But the real reason I should be sitting down is that your tables are tables I know I can beat. Bonuses come and go. Whether I have the skill to beat the game is something I'm stuck with.

A final word to sign off on this somewhat frothing rant.

I've lost count of the amount of posts I've read of people multitabling to clear bonuses. Sitting down and baking in the glow of several screens on a Saturday morning to hit up some site for a monthly comp. And a large percentage seem to run close to breaking even. Sitting down for a morning og 8 table grind doesn't strike me as a way to work on your game. And it sure as hell seems like a waste of a Saturday morning.

Wouldn't a paper route be more profitable? It would sure as hell beat the hourly rate.

Compulsion, obsession, and the darker angels of our nature.

It doesn't take much for the darker angels of our nature to bare their anonymous teeth. Anger, rage, compulsion, obsession, taboo, jealousy.

Theres a common thread of venality that binds man to his brothers. And we have the thin veneer of civilisation to thank for wrapping up this subtle self that we all contain in a social contract of politeness, legality, constraint, and mutual benificience.

But anonymity has always been the enemy of the civilised project. Anonymity affords the greater mass of us the opportunity to shrug aside some of the looser conditions of our everyday behaviour. Anonymity allows us to exert a peculiar control over ourselves that we would not generally otherwise choose to exercise.

We're not always nice people when nobodies watching.

Plato asks a question in a parable. The parable of Gyges ring. Gyges ring conveys invisibility upon the wearer. What man who posessed it could possibly resist the opportunity to enrich himself, when absolved of the consequences of guilt.

In a nutshell. Morality is what you can get away with.

Tha parallels between online anonymity and Platonic invisibility are there to be seen. We can divorce our actions from their most obvious of consequences. Its easier to con a man, to lie, and chet and steal, when you don't have to look him in the face.

Poker offers to many players one of the few arenas in which they can exercise almost complete economic control over their fate. Its a game built on deception. It punishes the weak. It punishes kindness, generosity, and mercy. It measures itself in money. Dollars and cents, pounds and euros are the limited language of its success. And in its online guise, the anonymity offered makes fleecing the marks that much easier.

Would you sell an alcholoic a bottle of whiskey, or a junkie a hit of heroin. Would you fleece a gambling addict for his last dollar and feel good about the accomplished superiority of your play. Would you steal from the sick and post about how professional you were?

Its a difficult world, and you have to be careful about who you choose to be. Because in the end, its not civilisation that will judge you. At the end of it all, we are left with only ourselves, and what we have made of that. And its a subtle truth, too tenuous and thoughtful a thing for many who will have to live with it. And the tragedy of life is in unkowingly making of ourselves something that we secretly come to hate.

I like poker. I might even be good at it. But, in thoughtful response to my little blogs post, you have to be careful with who you become. Or ot might just sneak up on you one day. Money is a problem to be solved. It is too petty a thing to be an end in itself. Work to live, or live to work?

Letting the Days go by

So. Well. Here I am.

For some reason, Talking Heads lyrics are rattling around the addled remnants of my mind.

"And you may ask yourself...how did I get here,...

And you may ask yourself, How do I wok this"

But hell. Thats not important right now. What is important is this. I'm a brand spanking new, still flapping on the beach, poker player. Like a fish out of water. But that could just be the first step in a painful evolution.

I started about 6 weeks ago, an the 25/50 limit table on Pokerroom, and I've been playing 50/1 for two weeks solid.

And I'm not doing too badly. I've had my fun filled adventures in the furious land o'tilt. I've had terrible streaks compunded by boneheaded plays. I've made subtle mistakes, and had the pleasure of understanding them, and ironing them out. I've made less subtle mistakes and watched them baton charge my bankroll.

And after 6 weeks I'm still ahead of the game. Not by much, but by enough to think that I can stay ahead.

And each time my Pocket kings or flopped trips are beat out by an inside straight on capped betting, I'm ahead enough to think this single, solitary, comforting thought.

"O brave new world that has such suckers in it."