I give up.

For the momet, I'm beat. Beat. Tough week. Damned tough.

My play had been holing up until today. But now, I can't pick up a premium pair without wondering what in the hell I should do with it. Mucking would've saved me money this week. The days of seeing pocket Kings being a welcome sight are passed for the moment.

Tough week. And I'll have to quit for the moment. The beats are getting to me. Undermining my ability to play well. I'm getting the fear when the turn comes. Any turn. And the river has me curled up in a foetal ball. And its affecting my play.

Perhaps the best lesson I can draw from this week is to quit before that happens. And retain the confidence I've carefully built up to use another day.

I've looked at the hand histories, checked out the odds I've been up against. Preflop, I've been consistently, hugely consistently, exactly where I want to be. In the showdowns I've seen, I've generally been either a firm favourite consistently, or on a draw where the odds have justified it. In short, I've generally being playing the type of game I've been learning to for the last several months. The game I've been able to grind out a profit in on a regular basis.

In short, insofar as I understand good play, I've been adhering quite well to it. I'm aware of my mistakes, and am still making them. I've been creating situations which are in my favour. Isolating raises preflop to hit heads up against a LAG. Checkraising to minimise odds where my hand necessitates it. Watching for the steal opportunity and taking it. Betting draws for value when I can. Playing aggressively on flops where I think I have the advantage. Playing to induce bluffs to make more profit.

Time to think out loud.

In three days play, my two pair - on the flop, turn or river have held up once. I've lost money on KK and QQ. Quite a bit. Cowboys cracked 4 times in one session - J6o catching a runner runner flush on the river with no pair, J6o again catching a runner runner straight on the river, with no pair, Q7o spiking a 7 on the river for two pair, and capping all the way, 55 making a straight on the river, capped betting. Running up against quad nines against my premium pair twice in one session, which, oddly, strike me as the most reasonable losing hands. I've been outkicked a bare handful of times in top pair situations, which I read as a good sign. I'm concistently domimnating LAGS headsup, and isolating them when I feel I need to. I've been minimising the odds for draws, and mixing up how I play my hands, with mixed results. IE my mixing up has occasionally meant weaker hands have called and caught up as they suspect a bluff. Quite a number actually.

There have, in addition, occasions when I've been outplayed. People have read the undermining of my play correctly, and I've been pushed off pots where I shouldn't have been- something I sat down to deal with today, and worked on during the week as well. People have seen me play weakly into pots and taken advantage, giving free cards I quite often would not when I'm on top of my game. Hence quitting until I can deal with it. I've run up against smart LAGs who've outplayed me, making me fold where I shouldn't, and call or bet when I'm beat. Situations like this have occured, but they have not been the dominant trend. And my current losing context has served to exacerbate the problem. That said, it still needs work - picked up Millers book this week to help me reorient in these situations.

Its one thing to play well when good play is rewarded. Its another to maintain that discipline when under consistent stress. Yet another weakness to address.

So a couple of days off, and a change of scene are required. And then back to the grind, to take advantage of the copiuos notes I've accrued in these savage few days.

The Gaming Room

Terrible. Terrible. Terrible.

I quit pokerroom.com - the site I started on, after about 3 months of mildly profitable play (x2.5 my inistial deposit, excluding a 27 dollar bonus spent on a book), and decided to chase bankroll building bonuses for a while. I checked out Scurvydogs online guide (recommended) for some ideas, and settled on the gaming room. You'll notice I haven't linked it.

The bonus structure is not bad. Quite good in comparison to most sites I've scanned. Up to 300 on a 20 dollar initial deposit, with a mximum amount earnable per limit. Wanna earn more...move up a limit. Above 1/2, theres no need to move up.

I'm sticking with 50/1 limit for the moment. Players are considerably tighter than pokerroom. Average players per flop run at around 35%, but play seems to loosen up slightly as evening comes on. The biggest pot I've seen in about 15 hours of play is 13.40. As a result, table texture is an intereesting mix of the amazingly tight - preflop raising is quite often rare - and aggressive, fairly fearless players who are happy to three bet bluff, and seem to come out ahead. Smart loose aggressives. The idiot to intelligent player ratio is comparatively low, thusfar. The games are tougher than the pokerroom norm, for instance, at this level.

Bluffing is quite often intelligent, with a willingness to let go, and well constructed in terms of reads and flop and turn texture. I've seen a lot of isolating reraises against the few non smart loose aggressives. You can tell I'm having problems with it. Chasing is considerably less of a problem, which is a pity, and I'm having to up my average game standard to break even. Which is not a bad thing. I'm playing unexcitedly ubertight, and selecting my bluffs carefully. Which is not working out, but I am getting my money in with the best of it. I'm happy enough with my play, and I'm pretty sure its the correct strategy.

Software wise, the site has some problems. Hand histories are stored on your hard drive, and available in .txt format only, and on request on a time as opposed to hand number basis. The lobby is badly organised, and infrequently updated. I've clocked at least a seven minute delay between updates on aregular basis. Table stats are displayed, but I'm guessing they are inaccurate also, re players per flop, and average pot size . It certainly seems that way when I check my own table stats against what I see at the table.

Session stats are not provided, but you can reset your statistical history (covering all sessions played) on a session by session basis. Showdowns display for about two seconds. Additionally, the dialog box scrolling at the right of the screen is useful for about 90 seconds. After that, it displays an unbroken slot of white space with the single last table action at ther top. The text scrolls up. Resetting it will buy another 90 seconds. Annoying.

All this adds up to a dearth of information while the game is in progress. And information is money. And for no good reason, I don't have enough of the stuff to play optimally. A frustrating experience, considering how hard I've worked at developing observation as part of my game.

All in all, the software is singularly annoying. And for no good reason.

So I reckon I'll finish up my bonus - I've no idea how far into I am, theres no way to check - and quit the site. Because of the software. Because the software is terrible. Because I have no interest in paying rake to play on a site which undermines my ability. Because I don't want to spend my Saturday morning bellowing obscenities at a cathode ray tube while trying to work out who won the last hand, and with what. Its far from an enjoyable experience.

Customer support takes a little time. I've had three dealings with them. Average 8 hour turnaround per enquiry. Too busy not working on their software to talk to me, I guess.

Because Belle Rock Gaming are lazy, lazy people.

Next stop, Paradise, I think.

17th July, 2005

I've spent my first 3 months playing at pokerroom.com, and its time for a change of scene. Time to concentrate on building a bankroll. Let the bonus hunt commence. Just call me Ahab.

I guess its time for a quarterly review.

From an initial deposit of $127, I'm current at $300. Its not a wild profit, Its not a tearaway success. Its a hell of a lot of work for very little money. But thats fine. The profit is largely bonus free, which is how I wanted it. I've been more centred on education and experience than bankroll building up to now, and quitting the bonus trail gives me an uncluttered and honest perspective on how I'm doing. Its also an incentive to learn. I've done ok. I could do a hell of a lot better.

It has been educational. The losing streaks, the balls out raging tilt, the bad plays, bad habits, bad mindsets. Limiting up, and crawling back down again. Each one an almost inevitable, and valuable experience.

I've read books, forums, online articles. I've thought I understood them. I've lost, and I've read em again. And again. I've bored several of my friends with poker talk, strategy, odds, rehashed hands played both badly and well.

So what am I doing well, and what am I doing badly?

Hand selection: still needs tweaking, but I'm much happier than I had been. I still need to peractice, think about, and read about mixing up my hands in certain situations. Specifically, hand selection in playing against LAGs. When to reraise to isolate. My current thinking is too unsubtle. Tight in early, looser selection in late when the opportunity to reraise to isolate presents itself. When the opportunity isn't present, reraise only with premium hands preflop. At the moment, I'm finding smart loose aggressives are dictating too much of my play to me. A subtler understanding of the texture of the table is required. I need to pay more attention to my position relative to the action, and let that factor more into my decisions. I can reraise the LAG in late with AJo and be happy I probably have the best hand. But if the Rock of Gibraltar UTG has called, the texture of the hand is different.

Aggression: I've done a hell of a lot of work on this of late, and yielded some good results. Developing the aggressive side of my play has helped my hourly rate overall. Bluntly put, when I properly apply it, it contibutes significantly to my hourly rate. I'm more aggressive with pocket pairs. I'm less agressive in certain situations with AK, AK, AJ, KQ. When applied improperly, its disastorous. Its a good addition to my play. I'm more aggressive in certain situations with drawing hands, re valuebetting, or semibluffing. I'm less aggressive on the river, and more on the flop. Again, I'm having some problems in this regard recently with LAGs. Both varieties. Again with the need for subtlety.

Observation: Another area I identified that I wanted to work on. I think of observation, aggression and hand selection as essential to one another. I don't use pokertracker (though I will pick it up for record keeping, hand history and personal play trend analysis) or gametime to watch whats happening at the table. Its my preference not to. And I have had a hard time developing the patience to sit tight and watch whats happening for the next 40 minutes of folding. But I've worked on it, developed it, and the skills and patience I have gained have helped feed into the advantages I'm gaining from working on other parts of my game.

My jump to The Gaming Room has presented me with a variety of new challenges. Play is noticeably tougher than I'm used to. The LAGS are smarter and willing to lay down. The rocks are tighter. Its tougher to find and exploit the weaker play I've become used to. Pots are smaller, showdowns are rarer, and in general, players seem to be more observant. Its an interesting challenge, and one I'll have to master to move on. My game is at the stage where my best game can beat the tables I'm playing at. So time to knuckle down and beat it then. I'm down 50 dollars so far for 20 hours. Some mistakes. Some bad laydowns, and some bad bets. And some bad beats. But even still, I'm playing well enough to come out ahead. Just. If I bring my A game.

So time to hit the books and brush up on my game. Time to work on heads up aggression, player targeted strategy, and the best course of action against loose aggressive players.

Oh My indeed....

"Most of the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time.
Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely
concerned with the movements of small, green pieces of paper, which is odd,
because on the whole, it wasn't the small, green pieces of paper which were
unhappy. "

The clawback dull as death grind from the desparate edge of bankroll busting horror continues.

Frankly, being profitably bored makes a pleasant change from being scalp crawlingly, teeth shatteringly, monitor throwingly(its a word....its a word...) terrified, but broke. And with that sentence, I say goodbye to my youth forever.

For there was a time when I was a fan of fear and terror. When I gobbled it down in fistfuls, and stomped upon the earth. When youth meant the measure of myself was the measure of what I could contain. Be that beer, vodka, whiskey terror, rage, laughter or ideas. When the abyss and I were on friendly terms, and were happy to gaze into one another for hours at a time. There were rumours. There were scandals. There were awkward social situations. There were partners who just didn't understand.

But the abyss and I were never more than just good friends.

These days I tend not to contain too many things. I've found you can catch all sorts of infections if you try too much. I'm measued in intangibles - money I never see, paid for work that doesn't actually make anything, for people who don't really want it anyway. They say you can't take it with you when you're dead. The 20th century seems to have updated this idea. I'm having a damned hard job of it trying to get my hands on any of it while I'm actually alive. I play poker against people who aren't actually there. Even the chips I use, which are supposed to represent money which isn't there, arent there. They're representations of chips. They're not even real simulacra. They're fake fakes.

I studied philosophy in college. And for that reason, that sentence really screws with my head. Puts me in mind of the day I saw an add saying "genuine fake Mexican furniture for sale". And they meant it. Quite a lot of the world stopped making sense right then.

Its becoming increasing difficult to believe, in the modern world, that anything outside of reality television, media trials, Medieval Total War and grapefruit are actually real.

Which makes me wonder why I get so wrapped up in losing money online when it happens. And why I have such a feeling of wellbeing when I don't. Money Money Money Money.

Money. Fiduciary or Fiat Issue. Literally "Faith Issue". The magic of money. Its worth is a function of the community of belief. Now thats the power of positive thinking for you. Theres a very real sense in which it deosn't exist, unless we all really really want it to. Some countries wanted to believe in it so much that the penalty was death for refusing to accept it in trade. Ir represnents something which isn't actually thre. It represemts our willingsness to believe in it.

Money has never meant that much to me, which is an odd statement for a poker player to make, I guess. Its a thing worth mentioning only in its absence, and not important enough to talk about for its own merit.

So why do I get so wrapped up in it?

For this reason, and its a wrong one.

Money is a problem to be solved. And like most of us, I exist in a community of belief that binds us together in some sort of reasonably workable civilised manner. And wrapped up in the social contract is an acceptance of several common currencies, the common currency of politeness, beahviou, conduct an manners. The currency of morals. of toleration, and the balance with freedom. The currency of charity, where we accept we are linked by a common bond within which we exercise our responsibilities to one another. And the currency of finance. All composite parts of the project of civilisation that frames our lives.

But with money, its so easy for the means of life to become an end. To measure ones worth with it in any meaningful sense is a self defeating exercise. It lacks the language. It lacks the words. Its vocabulary is too slim a thing to contain anything but its simple self, and to measure oneself by it is to lose too much in translation.

And these are good thoughts to remember when the cards run cold.

For any who are interested, podcastalley have a loist of 13 poker podcasts up, available here.

I'm already a fan of Stacks and Cincinatti Sean on Card Club, (archives available here), and Phil Gordon has put up some fine podcasts giving a pros view from the inside out of this years WSOP.

The rough plan is to run through some samples of the rest, and throw together a rough review of the thirteen listed. Categories for judgement - I'm thinking, sound quality, expertise, uniqueness, guest spots, and shill factor. Any suggestions, feel free to post.

In poker news, I've just hit the tail end of a two week vicious beating. Pokerroom.com was Pol Pot. I was Cambodia. 230 dollars in ten days, at 50/1 and 1/2 Limit. Horrible, terrible, and I still bear the scars.

I wake up shivering, at night, in a cold sweat thinking about holding Hiltons in the big blind. It gives me the Fear. The Fear I tell you.

And I have far better things to be dreaming about.

It took a lot longer for my discipline to nosedive this time around, and my standard of play - which is good enough to sit down at the 2/4 tables at pokerroom and come out ahead - held up for the main part.

I'm crawling back up the rungs again, getting together enough money to take another (underfunded) shot at 2/4, and thinking about the lessons the last two weeks have taught me...

- If I'm as good as I think I am, the money I've lost is just on loan. Stay focused, and disciplined, and the tables will turn. By playing my normal tight, and attentive game, I've clawed back 130 of my losses in ten hours and 50/1.

- If I'm as good as I think I am, I've got a whole lot left to learn. The major factor in me feeling good about the last two weeks is using the lessons the table is teaching me to pick apart my game, most particularly with how I deal with loose hyper aggressive players. Tied in to this is how I play an umimproved AK/AQ with no draw after the flop, and how I play pocket pairs with overcards on the board. I'm less aggressive in most situations with AK/AQ, and more so with pocket pairs.

- I've dropped AJ as a raising hand up front, a long overdue move on my part. In late I'll raise in an unraised pot, or in middle I might (rarely) raise if I think its likely to thin out most of the field behind me. Specifically, if the table is tending to fold to my raises on a regular basis, I'll have a greater tendency to raise with it. AJ is a hand I want to have position with, ideally on a table where a late post flop bet will make people fold umimproved, or with low/medium pairs on the flop. Unless its suited, I want to take the pot at the flop or before, and I tend towards the idea of it as a stealing hand. I still play it up front on occasion, as I think, unraised, I can drop it easily, or play it hard without tipping my hand too much when it hits. Its a useful early hand to play with, as a raise in late on the tables I frequent quite often means A10, A9, KQ, KJ, pocket pairs down to 77. I've also increased the amount that I call with or fold A10 in late. A10 is a hand I still have some tuning to do on.

- I'm betting less on the river than I had been. That, and my changes in play on AK-J have made what would be two minor losing sessions into minor winning sessions. Again, its a matter of discipline. I'm losing a lot less money when I am beat, and still not leaving that much money on the table when I win. Its a simple principle. But hell. Arrogance is the enemy of a thorough education.

Hence, in ten hours play, 130 dollars profit.

Now that I look back at the changes in my play over the last two weeks, they seem quite significant. Without them, I was still able to put in an overall positive hourly rate - even with the 230 nosedive - for the total time on the limits involved. And most of the money I lost, was in situations where I had the best of it before the river.

But I guess the benefits of idiotproofing my game against myself are plain enough to see.