Oh I'm just a regular Joe

I play the Asshole song to stop me going on tilt at tables.

And I say to myself.

"K6. He drives really slow in the ultrafast lane. A2? He walks around in the summertime saying 'how about this heat?' That scumsucking no kicker sonofabitch. That hardword floor loving, cheap cigar smoking, porno watching warloving sonofabitch is an asshole."

Looking back on what I've just written, the idea that it helps me keep calm may seem questionable. But hell, thats pretty much my standard internal monologue. Thats pretty much my standard calm.

But I got to thinking. Ive posted about ego, and gambling, in my novitiate and yet still pompous manner. But I'm kinda taking the idea to the mat at the moment.

I'm a fan of ego. I like it for the same reasons I think churches are the poison of pleasure, for the same reason that life is short, and art is long. Ego is Al Pacinos Satan in the Devils Advocate "I've nurtured every sensation man's been inspired to have....I'm a fan of man. I'm a humanist."

Ego is what man stamps his mark upon the world with. When there is no truth, no god, when it comes down to the picked clean bare bones of living, ego is that which burns our mark upon the world. Ego burns the fabric of our time more brightly.

Ego. The positive side. A healthy ego is a solid sense of ourselves. The Greeks knew what they were talking about - "Know thyself. From this, all else follows". Its self referential, it comes from self knowledge, and it relies on little else apart from an achieved sense of balance to maintain itself.

Ego is the also Devil on my shoulder. Or so I like to think. But sometimes that devil is nothing so metaphorical. Sometimes that Devil on my shoulder is nothing more than the moron in my head staring out back at the world. And its got nothing to do with a sense of myself. Its got to do with how I'm perceived.

In general, in life, I've developed a healthy attitude to how I'm perceived. I frankly, generally, don't give a fuck what most people think of me. And its not a hostile act. Its indifference. I'm excusing family and friends from this, as, with all people, they form a dynamic and meaningful relationship with our sense of ourselves as we pass through life. Theyve earned my respect, n have come to know me, and be known in turn.

But with regard to anyone else, my respect for their opinion in general has to be earned. And its a tremendous relief to realise that I don't have to pay attention to what the vast bulk of people think.

Results orientated poker. Its something that, even with my relative newbie ignorance of perfect play, I strive to achieve. It has several dividends. Or would, if I could achieve it. I'm still having problems with tilt. And tilt, in both furious and milder forms is, for me, a function of ego. As is results oriented poker. To put it bluntly, my insecure sense of my poker playing self causes me to wrap myself in ideas, practices, and emotions, that have nothing to do with whats actually happening at the table. Reasons that are not supposed to have anything to do with it, in my finely though out, self balanced, Greek philosophised, bad movie quoting answer to life.

And thats the nub of it. I develop personal grudges against complete strangers, as represented by impersonal avatars, on a cathode ray tube in my living room. Its just like what used to happen whenever I watched Seinfeld. An inexplicable and uncontrollable rage, that overides my judgement, my sense of self. My ability to fundamentally not give a fuck about the small stuff. The blips. The random nature of life, and human experience.

Except I found out where Seinfeld lived. And I've yet to track down that chowderhead who cracked my Aces this evening with J6 off.

Ego. A sense of oneself. The security to react with indifference to things that do not fundamentally matter.

In life, its the ability to face other people, and maintain a sense of oneslf in the face of however they might choose to see you. In poker, its the ability to maintain a sense of ones ability in the face of the random nature of probability. Variance is a bitch. But so what. Probability is still top dog.

As always, my thoughts need more development and editing. But hell. I'm behind schedule on this posting gig. So I'll leave it here for the moment, with more to say when I've thought it through.

Thanks for listening.